Hello All,
Wow this term has been a roller coaster ride a lot of up and downs. I was really in a rough place mentally and emotionally in the beginning. Thank god I made it through it all and got the help I needed. Therapy and journaling has really help me work through my grief. Although I didn't want to take them anti-depressants really helped me. My aunt was on so many at the time of her death I was scared to take them. I had to realize that they work differently of everyone and just had to find one that worked for me. I was in such a deep depression and I'm feeling human again. I've learned so much about myself the last three months. After being out of work for a while I felt like i had forgotten a lot of things. My classes I had this term gave me my confidence back. They were like a refresher course and I'm back working. It's only part time but that's all I can handle right now. God willing things will continue to get better.

Wow what a week I'm writing two research papers and feeling a little overwhelmed. I did procrastinate a little on doing research for one. I'm praying that I get the APA format right. Although I read a lot on the APA format it's still very confusing too me. I will defiantly get a program for this next semester. I have one paper finished and will be writing all day tomorrow to finish the other. It's been hard for me to focus this week cause the weather is so great. Were in the 80's and 90's already in Chicago all I want to do is go the lake and hang out.

GIFTS

Gifts come in all types of shapes and forms some we keep, some we discard, and some we re gift to others. Most hold some type of value and some are priceless. After group this week I realized I had been given one that was priceless Courage. Courage to start living my life again. Before my aunts death I was very depressed and had kinda cut myself off from a lot of people. Her death made me realize that I didn't want to end up like her and many others. It gave me the push I needed to get up and get out the house and get focused on living life again. I wish she was here to help me through this process. On the other hand her death has been a blessing in a way. It made me think about all the things that made me unhappy with my life. I'm working hard to change those things and I feel a lot better. I'm so thankful for my family

It's been a hectic week and I'm tired! I had a friend and co-worker rushed to the hospital with congestive heart failure. She has to have open heart surgery I just hope everything goes well. working double shift doesn't leave much time for homework. Thank god for laptops I'm able to do some work on breaks. I just feel so for behind with two papers due, a test, and discussion post. Hopefully I will be able to catch up this week end. She's going to be out for a while so I guess I better get used it

BAD WEEKEND

It was a really bad weekend for me. I came down with the flu and I found out my aunts husband remarried! That was a shocker and hard to deal with. My mom and grandmother are beyond angery It's only been 5 months. I feel bad for her daughters he made them attend the wedding. Their really upset they haven't had enough time to grieve for their mom. He doesn't care he only thinks of himself. He actually told them "they would be gone one day and he has to live his life." This adds to the families suspicion of him I just pray we will find closure soon. It's hard wondering everyday did she really do it or did he?

IT'S SO EASY TO BLAME OTHERS.

This weeks counseling session really has me thinking. While talking about how I blamed others around my aunt from preventing her death. A bell went off in my head when I got home I began to make a list. A list of mistakes I had made and blamed others for. I realized I was always putting myself in the role of the victim. When your blaming others its easy to forgive or just block out that mistake. I need to forgive myself for making these mistakes. Knowing that I learned form them and they made me a better person. It's easy to forgive other than it is your self. "Forever the victim I don't think so! " I'm going to look at my self in the mirror everyday and say "I forgive you."

I FEEL A CHANGE COMING SOON!

Nov.20,2009 was one of the worst days of my life. I spent the morning consoling a friend. Just letting her know that god doesn't give us more than we can handle. Little did I know I was going to put through a test of faith. When I felt she had calmed down I went home to take a nap. I awoke to the phone being shoved at me telling me it was my dad. He told me that my aunt had passed she had committed suicide.

I felt like my world had come to an end we shared such a special relationship. I didn't know how I could go on without her in my life. She had been hospitalized 2 months earlier for depression. After 2 weeks she was released me, my mom, and grandmother went to go stay with her. We took turns going back and forth so she wouldn't be alone. I had just returned home 1 week earlier because we ad another death in the family. I don't know if that was too much for her to handle or what.

I just cant understand why I never thought she could do something like this. She has 3 beautiful girls that she loved so much. I just cant see her leaving them alone. These last 5 months have been so hard. I cant how many times I've picked up the phone to call her. Only to realize that shes not there. Her death made me think about my life and things I want to change in it. Although I miss her terrible her death has made me make some positive changes in my life. I've been going to counseling and I'm starting to feel human again. It didn't kill me but it did make me stronger.